I had some cramping today.
Cramping used to bring discomfort, make me want to curl up in a ball and lounge for the day. Now, when it comes with no apparent reason, it brings terror. I stand by what I've said about not being upset that we lost a bunch of cells that never had the opportunity to turn into a fetus, resulting in a baby. That's honestly not what I'm thinking about when I get cramps. I think about the pain, and the hospitalization and the recovery. I think about the fact that had I gone just one more day, I could have hemorrhaged and died.
Now, it's a bit silly to worry about every twinge that happens in my lower belly. I am focused more on out of the normal cramping. Normal period cramping doesn't render me crying into my husband's arms. Doesn't send me shaking in anxiety, barely holding myself up against the bathroom sink.
I can't explain the anxiety and fear I feel. It's unlike other anxiety I have felt. I have had anxiety and panic attacks. This is different, somehow. Instead of coming down afterwards with a panic induced headache, I feel myself withdrawing. I feel nothing. I can't get past the emptiness that I feel.
I really want another baby. But, at this point, I don't know if I want a baby to complete our family or to just get past the anxiety I keep feeling. I don't even know if having a baby will rid me of the anxiety or if it will just postpone it for a few months. I can't find myself getting excited at the prospect of having another baby because I know that the first two months of a pregnancy will be full of more stress and anxiety while we wait to find out if it's viable.
When I was first pregnant with Jack, I never had a thought that something could happen. I never thought his pregnancy might end in miscarriage or ectopic. It just wasn't an option. I feel that through fate, my ability to be excited has been stolen away from me. I hope when we do get pregnant again that my anxiety over being anxious will leave once we get past that 6 week ultrasound.
For now, I'd just like to go a few days without freaking out about mystery pain.
About a week after I took my positive pregnancy test, I started bleeding, and I was utterly convinced I'd had a miscarriage. I hadn't; it was normal spotting. But I totally understand where you're coming from about something so seemingly innocuous filling you with dread. I don't know if there's anything you can do about it, but just remember that the pain you felt before was much worse than your cramps are, and you're more than likely totally fine.
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