Baby, I hope you know how much we love you, because this next paragraph isn't going to be very nice. I'm sorry about that.
I really, REALLY hated my first trimester. I couldn't eat meat, pizza, vegetables, and sometimes fruit. I honestly don't know how I survived the last three months. Pretty sure I wasn't getting enough calories throughout the day. I was able to eat fast food breakfasts and the occasional bread product. I'm hoping desperately that the next few months will be more bearable. It appears as though things are looking up. I was able to eat meat last night (that someone else cooked) without any negative reactions.
I don't like complaining about this pregnancy, especially considering how lucky we were to be able to get pregnant without intervention and to have a healthy, normal pregnancy (as opposed to an ectopic pregnancy). I struggle with feelings of guilt for not enjoying this baby and excitement for November. The competing emotions are leaving me exhausted and miserable. I've been more nervous with this pregnancy because of the initial unknowns.
Comparison: With Jack's pregnancy, I was excited. Todd and I had the normal fears about money and sleep deprivation and exactly what we were supposed to do with a baby. But we never once stopped to think about the possibility that Jack would be anything but normal. I have no idea why I'm terrified that something will be wrong with this baby. In fact, considering the never ending nausea and "normal" pregnancy symptoms that I didn't feel with Jack, I should be reassured that things are normal. With this baby, probably resulting from the ectopic pregnancy, I've just been feeling too cautious to get really excited.
Seeing this today really helped:
As of about 10 this morning, I'm actually feeling a bit excited about this baby. The placenta is on the back side of my uterus, so I am hoping to start feeling her move soon. Knowing that she's alive and kicking and comfy in my uterus has settled some of the nerves I've been feeling.
For now, we are referring to the baby as "she." This is "Todd logic" as no external sex organs are formed yet and it's easier to distinguish between new baby and Jack without always saying "the new baby." We would love a girl. We would be perfectly happy with another boy. As every pregnancy milestone is reached, we're finding it easier to get more excited. It's very weird, because 40 weeks is a long time. It's almost a year. But, the reality is, we have only 6 more full months before this baby gets here. That time goes by very quickly. I remembered Jack's pregnancy went by so slow because we were so excited. This pregnancy is going by very quick because we're just NOT PREPARED for this baby.
I nest early. When I was pregnant with Jack, it drove me crazy that we had to wait until we knew what we were having before we could buy anything. This baby is driving me crazy because the kids' room needs to be rearranged in order to get the crib away from the air vent. A lot of stuff is in storage: the swing, the carseat, lots of newborn clothes. And these things will all need to be washed and prepped prior to the baby's arrival. The carseat, I'm not worried about. It's the other things. The washing and scrubbing of things. The rearranging. Getting the damn crib mattress raised. These things are haunting me in my sleep. Whether this baby is a boy or girl, Jack and baby #2 are 6 months apart and in completely different seasons. I'm sure the tiny sleepers will work, but everyday clothes are a different story. I have to go through and see what will be appropriate for a fall/winter baby.
Don't even get me started on baby proofing again. I twitch just thinking about what's needing to be done. How does floor time work in a tiny living room with a rambunctious 2-year old? Jack is really into his toy swords and everything is a sword and what's going to happen the first time he "kills" the baby? AUGH! The things I have corrupted my child with.
Yesterday, Jack showed both his compassionate side and his bully side. Now that our friends' daughter is one, Jack is no longer...aggressive...towards her. Previously, he would yell and take toys and tell her "NO!" But now, he is bringing her toys and giving her hugs and kisses. Last night, she found Jack's cup on the floor and was holding it. Jack noticed, politely took the cup and thanked her. She was a bit dumbfounded that the cup was no longer in her outstretched hand and instead of being a jerk, Jack shook her extended hand and said "thank you" again to her. I laughed so hard I almost died. A little while later, her big brother was in a time out and Jack pointed and said "HAHA!" over and over again like Nelson on The Simpsons. I about died when he did that, too. I tried really, really hard not to laugh but I just couldn't resist. My son appropriately bullied another kid. It was both embarrassing and funny. Jack got hit by the little boy and I honestly couldn't blame his reaction because he "just wanted Jack to stop!" I was obviously winning the mother of the year award by not stopping or reprimanding my child because I was the idiot laughing too hard.
Oh, the things we teach our children.
No comments:
Post a Comment