Healing

Well, my belly is healing and I'm left with three little scars to show for what I've lost. Which is a tube. Nothing else. However, the question was raised today about future complications.

No.

There are no complications from this surgery. Not from this tube. However, the odds that we can have another ectopic pregnancy are now higher. About 1 in 10. This jumps from originally 1 in 100 pregnancies. My doctor said it's not a problem, we have to monitor from very early in the pregnancy and if it results in another ectopic then we take care of it. I am still shocked that with all the medical intervention we have these days that doctors can't take a fertilized embryo from a tube and place it into the uterus but whatever.

My hCG levels are properly going down. The doctor wasn't quite sure he got all the...shrapnel (I'm sorry, I can't think of a more appropriate term at the moment. But, I guess this is appropriate as my tube did actually burst) so I've been going in for blood draws. I have one more to confirm that everything is gone and then we have to wait at least 4 months before "trying" for another baby.

We weren't trying in the first place. This whole thing started because we were dumb in the middle of my cycle. It's cool, I said before that we were really excited to find out that we were actually compatible and could get pregnant on our own. Driving to the hospital I joked "wouldn't it be funny if we were pregnant and I was really in labor and we ended up on that show 'I didn't know I was pregnant'?" We laughed through my pain and it helped me deal with the bumps.

What? When I'm under pressure I make bad jokes. I told the nurse "gee I'm sure glad I came in on mah bathin' day" with a horrible redneck accent and all. Oh wait, this is after they administered the dilaudid. Let me tell you: if you are in extreme pain, this makes it go away. Fast. It also makes you INSANE. Whenever I take narcotic pain medications (the whole three or four times in my life) I always have to wonder how drug addicts live like that. I don't like the feeling of being out of control of my body and this certainly did it. Of course, this was about 20 minutes after they gave me morphine that didn't work. I couldn't focus my eyes on anything and my arms felt like lead while the rest of me felt like air. It was possibly the weirdest I have ever felt.

I think I was most funny coming out of the anesthesia. I have to tell this story properly. When I had my wisdom teeth pulled, I was 14. This was because I had to have jaw surgery the following year and they wanted my mouth to be all settled where it should be so that they could correct my bite. I guess I have bad dreams when under and upon coming out of the anesthesia, I was crying. I remember trying to wipe away my tears and the nurse grabbed my arm so that I would hurt myself and I smacked her.

This is not the last time I will hit a nurse. Or the funniest part of my story.

So, a year later, I go in to have my jaw surgery. The nurses ask a few basic questions I guess, like my name and whatever. Then they ask me what my mom's name is. Neither of us can remember what I imagined her name was, but it certainly wasn't her proper name. For about 45 minutes, the nurse kept walking out into the waiting room calling for *imaginary mother* until I was coherent enough to tell them her actual name. Scared the bejeezus out of her :)

Sometime in high school I had surgery to remove a cyst from my cheek. Once again, I came out crying and wiped away my tears. This nurse was persistent that I was going to rip my stitches out I guess and kept forcefully snatching my hand from my face. I hit her multiple times before she figured out what was going one.

So, prior to going in for surgery, I warned my nurses that a) I cannot be relied upon to provide proper information about myself or my life and b) I have a tendency to hit people after waking up. I had a great nursing staff this time and everything turned out to be fine going under and coming out. Except my oxygen levels kept dropping and apparently I kept forgetting to breath when I fell asleep and the nurses and Todd kept telling me to keep breathing. I was in the ICU and they let Todd stay with me until I moved to my final room.

I had a good experience with my nurses and doctors and I think that helped make my experience that much less stressful and emotional. No one referred to my condition as a pregnancy, no one called the exploded tube a baby and for the most part, it was treated just as an unusual occurrence. I have said before and still feel that I don't feel like I lost a baby or a pregnancy or had an abortion or any other negative connotation that could be applied to this situation. Honestly, I suppose I feel the same way as if they had simply taken my appendix. I can't possibly know this as I still have my appendix, but whatever.

The last week has been rough. Well, the last 3 days (thank god I don't have to cook-I am so appreciative of my fellow MOMs Club mommies-THANK YOU AGAIN!) I have been alone with Jack and I'm still tender. He will kick me at an odd angle and I double over in pain that feels like I am going to die. I'm struggling to keep him happy and satisfied and feel horrible when he cries because I can't hold him the way he wants. I want to be able to get down on the floor and roughhouse with my baby again. I want to be able to pick him up and toss him in the air and listen to his giggle. Today was good. Hard, but good. We watched Up and he snuggled me as I cried through the montage (gets me every single time I watch this movie.) He was very worried and toddled over to me to hug me and plant big kisses on my chin to cheer me up.